[Verse 1]

I was born with a dick in my brain, yeah fucked in the head

My stepfather said that I sucked in the bed

'Til one night he snucked in and said

"We're goin out back, I want my dick sucked in the shed"

Can we just play with Teddy Ruxpin instead?

"After I fuck you in the butt, get some head

Bust a nut, get some rest"

The next day, my mother said

"I don't know what the fuck's UP with this kid!

The bastard won't even eat nothing, he's fed

He just hung himself in the bedroom, he's dead!"

"Debbie, don't let that fucker get you upset

Go in there, stick a fuckin cigarette to his neck

I bet you he's fakin it, I bet you

I bet he probably just wants to see how upset you would get

I'll go handle this, of course, unless you object"

"Aw, go fuck his brains out if any's left in his head"

[Chorus]

If you count the skeletons in my closet

Under my bed and up under my faucet

Then you would know I completely lost it

Is he nuts? NO, he's insane!

[Verse 2]

(Are you in?) Naw, fucker tried to bite my face off

I just got fuckin chased off with a chainsaw

Then he took the chainsaw, bit the fuckin' blades off

Ate the blades, stuck the baseball in the slingshot

Then the aimed at his own face, let the thing pop

Took his eye out, picked it up and played ping-pong

Then he played ping-pong with his own ding-dong

That motherfucker's got nuts like King Kong

Then he set the lawnmower out on the dang lawn

And he laid all up underneath it with the thing on

Then he took his pants and took every fuckin' thing off

Everything but his tanktop and his training bra

Ain't he raw? Yeah, maniac, that Shady dawg

Man, that motherfucker's gangsta, ain't he, dawg?

Shady dawg, what be goin through that fuckin brain of yours?

Say no more, what the fuck you waitin' for? Sing along

[Chorus]

If you count the skeletons in my closet

Under my bed and up under my faucet

Then you would know I completely lost it

Is he nuts? NO, he's insane!

[Verse 3]

Don't you know what felch means? (Yeah!) Well, then tell me

Would you rather get felched or do the felching?

Fuck 'em in the ass, suck the cum out while you belchin' {*burps*}

Burp, belch, then go back for a second helping

Could you dig what I'm sayin, man? Could you smell me?

I want you to feel like my stepfather felt me (uhmm…)

Fuck a little puppy, kick the puppy while he's yelpin

(Shady, what the fuck you saying?) I don't know – HELP ME!

What the fuck's happening?! I think I'm fucking MELLLTING!

"Marshall, I just love you boy, I care about your well-being"

NO, dad! I said NO! I don't need no help peeing

I'm a big boy, I can do it by myself, see?

I only get naked when the babysitter tells me

She showed me her a movie like "Nightmare on Elm Street"

But it was X, and they called it "Pubic Hair on Chelsea"

"Well, this is called 'Ass Rape' and we're shooting the jail scene"

[Chorus]

If you count the skeletons in my closet

Under my bed and up under my faucet

Then you would know I completely lost it

Is he nuts? NO, he's insane!